she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
