She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
