took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
