Umm I'm too high to move.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
