Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have fence marks all over my body
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
