Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
