I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
