3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
