So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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