I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
