I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
