I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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