Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
