Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
