Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
