I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
