If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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