So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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