We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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