i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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