hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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