Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
