OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
