I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
