Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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