i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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