Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
