My underwear smells like fireworks.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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