I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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