Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.