I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
