Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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