I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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