please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
