she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
