Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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