take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
