there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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