I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
