Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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