dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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