We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So squirting runs in the family.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
