I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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