The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
