I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize