never play flip cup with pint glasses
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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