I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
