exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
