my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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