Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
