from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I looked at my own cervix.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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