get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
