Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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