I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
