Where is the hickey?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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