giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
