I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
