she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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