I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
